I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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