if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
