So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
