I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize