so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
