careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize