I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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