Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
