3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
