I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
