omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
