I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
