Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
