3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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