8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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