i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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