sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We are all done wearing pants today
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
