Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize