So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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