i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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