pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize