just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
