how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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