I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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