who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
