For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
