If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
