I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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