Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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