i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
