Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
