Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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