It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
