I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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