your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm like, not good at living.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
