I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
