don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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