am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just invented taco cereal.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize