I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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