You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
