my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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