Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
