Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
