One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he laminated a picture of his dick.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Someone signed my nipple.
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