I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Found your dick twin last night
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
