Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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