Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
