My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize