i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
only you would photoshop your dick
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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