I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
