he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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