I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
