apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
