I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my being single is dangerous.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
