Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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