i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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