Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
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