I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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