there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
