So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
