It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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