Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize