overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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